How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Randomize
