My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
