We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Randomize
