her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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