I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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