So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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