my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
