these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
