rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
