You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
