I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
