if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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