Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
