dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
