Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize