Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
