Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
