I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
