Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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