Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
