oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
