he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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