Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
