I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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