Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
