just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
