there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
