i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
