Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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