Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My breath smells like gin and sadness
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize