I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
