when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
