The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
