So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
