I think I died a long time ago.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
