I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
