Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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