I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
