My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
