you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
