She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
