Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
