My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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