Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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