mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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