You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
