He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
is that a dick in a sweater?
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
