I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
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