i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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