So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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