tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i love accidental penises.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
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