FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Randomize
