I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
