HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
