why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
