Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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