see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
