You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
