I wish my penis had an off switch
she was so not down for the gang bang
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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