Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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