Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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