Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
