i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
