Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Even the bartender felt bad for me
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
