god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Randomize
