You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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