It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
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