Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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